First Day of School

Johanna's first day of preschool was today. She'll be going every morning Monday through Friday from 8:30-11:10am, and she's in a 4-year-old class with Jonas. Our little girl did really well...until she didn't. She was excited to go, smiling and happy for pictures beforehand, and she willingly said goodbye and participated in class activities. She was all smiles when she saw me after school too.

Happy on the way to her classroom!

But as we walked down the hallway afterward, she dropped her water bottle and then refused to pick it up. Then she plopped on the floor, and I could tell she was just DONE. The tears didn't start until we got outside, and the full-on meltdown didn't start until we got in the car, but today was a lot for her little heart to handle.
















A new environment, new kids surrounding her, a new teacher telling her what to do, new rules and expectations and routines, lots of new words and ways of doing things...not to mention doing it all without Mommy or Daddy there. For someone who's understandably still struggling with abandonment, attachment, and self-regulation issues, no wonder today was hard.

I've said it before, but I think it's worth repeating. Johanna's meltdowns are not "normal" 4-year-old tantrums. We know what those look like...Jonas has them! He gets upset or mad about something in particular, cries and yells for a few minutes, apologizes and is able to talk about how to handle things better next time, and he's over it.

You won't see this picture on Instagram
(she didn't know I took it either).
Breaks my heart, but I think it's
important to show all sides of adoption.

Johanna's meltdowns happen when she's completely dysregulated. I've heard it explained with two jars of pebbles. One jar, with some pebbles at the bottom, is the "regular" kid...biological or home for a good length of time, no major trauma in life, etc. The other jar, about 3/4 full of pebbles, represents a child who's been through some trauma (like adoption!). When stressful things happen (more pebbles in the jar), she's already near the "top" of her self-regulation "jar," so it doesn't take much to set her over the edge. Once she's over the edge...meltdown. It isn't pretty: screaming, crying, thrashing, kicking, hitting herself, trying to hit/scratch/bite me, and yelling nasty things.

The good thing is, when the meltdown is done, it's truly done. Johanna is sitting on the ground beside me as I write this, happily putting together puzzles. This afternoon, she was singing "Let it Go" and dancing to "Ghostbusters" with Jonas. She took a nap and ate a good dinner. She's laughing and smiling, and we just had a good conversation about what happened earlier today and how she was feeling.

We've already got a plan in place for me to be sure to hold her on the way out of school tomorrow (that's what she said she needed to feel better). I think school will get easier for her each day, and I'm hoping Johanna will eventually make some good friends. We did lots of extra cuddles tonight before bed and sang our made-up "family" song (her request) over and over. I knew today would be hard, but I also know Johanna will be okay. Happy first day of school, everyone!